Content warning:
This passage includes sensitive content about sexual violence and may be triggering for some readers.
Grace’s story highlights the hidden risks older women face in seeking connection and love. After surviving manipulation and coercive control, she calls for empathy, respect, and open conversations about safety, sexuality, and ageing. Her experience reminds us that older women deserve both protection and the freedom to live fully.
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After a 21-year relationship ended, I started online dating at 62. I’m a beach girl and have usually dated older men—my ex was 13 years older. But online, most men were my age or younger.
That’s where I met a problem man. He claimed to be a farmer and described himself as “honest” throughout his profile—which appealed to me. I now see he was manipulative. Some men use those words to attract a certain type of woman. They present themselves as everything you want—liking the same things, saying all the right things.
He completely love-bombed me—something I learned about later through a counsellor. It’s when someone uses excessive affection and attention to gain control. After just three weeks, he said he was all in. He did everything I liked, acted totally attentive, and talked about commitment.
But after six weeks, things changed. He started pulling away, going silent. One time, after a disagreement, he ignored me for 10 days. Then he messaged saying he was “sorry for being nasty”—which meant he’d done it deliberately. That was a red flag.
He told me he was on the spectrum after learning I worked in mental health outreach—almost as if he expected me to accept certain behaviours because of it. He also mentioned he’d been to jail but lied about the reason. I later found out he’d been jailed for tying women up and ejaculating on them.
He told me he lacked empathy because of autism, but I now see that was part of his manipulation. He lived remotely, which at first suited me—I didn’t want neighbours watching who came and went. He welcomed my dog and brought food for him. He took me swimming, bike riding, asked lots of questions, and seemed genuinely engaged.
But then came the comparisons and criticisms—subtle but constant. He’d say things that chipped away at me. After just six weeks, he wanted us to buy a house together in a different area. I now see that was about control.
He made guns and had them in his house. Looking back, I realise how dangerous it could’ve been if I’d stayed.
That experience affected my next relationship. I was cautious and my trust was damaged. And while problem men can be found anywhere, online dating makes it easier for them to target you.
There needs to be more awareness. Forums for older women would help—safe places to share and learn. I only tried online dating because a male friend found his soulmate that way. I researched it beforehand. Some sites are hookup-oriented, but others are aimed at real connections. You have to be brave to put yourself out there, especially as an older woman.
I found Zoosk safer—it was geared toward older daters. On some free sites, men don’t invest anything, and that’s a red flag. On paid platforms, they have to put in effort. Tinder, for example, has a reputation for being just about sex.
I was once hacked through a dating platform. A man messaged me, then added at the end: “What I’ve just said above isn’t me—someone else is in this conversation.” I gave him my email—and the hacker followed me there. I reported it to Zoosk, and they confirmed the hack. I stayed off for a while.
Two years later, I got another email from what seemed like the same hacker. I reported it to Google. You’re really on your own with this. It’s hard to talk to your friends—they don’t always understand why you’d try online dating. As older women, our social networks are smaller. If you’re not working, it’s harder to meet people.
But we need to talk about it—without judgment. Sharing experiences helps keep others safe. I’ve had younger men in their 40s approach me too. That might be a good thing for some.
I did have a lovely two-year relationship from online dating. And yes, many older women are still sexual. I had a six-month match with someone, and the sex was good.
Q&A
Q: What was it like growing up in terms of body autonomy, consent, and sexual rights?
A: Mum and Dad were fantastic. I fell in love at 15 and asked Mum if I could go on the pill. She said wait until 16. But when I told her we were already having sex—using the withdrawal method—she agreed. They brought us up to honour ourselves and be confident. I was in that relationship for five years, and we’re still friends.
Q: What should service providers know when supporting older women who have experienced sexual abuse or assault?
A: Brochures are helpful. But sometimes older women need to see that brochure 20 times before they’ll make a call. The first step is getting them to ring. The next step is making sure someone answers who they can connect with—when they’re ready.
I’ve worked in social welfare and aged care. You can’t force people to change, but you can make sure support is always there when they are ready to reach out.
Q: Any advice for service providers starting conversations around trauma?
A: Take your time. When someone’s been through trauma, things are mixed up. They need clear, simple information—not busy instructions. Everyone wants QR codes now, but older people prefer a real conversation. Do research on what makes people feel comfortable.
Q: Are there misconceptions about older women and sexual abuse survivors you’d like to address?
A: Yes—many. People assume older women don’t have sex. Talk to us, and you’ll find many do. There’s also a lack of respect. I’ve had experiences where service providers treated me like I was invisible—like I didn’t matter.
For example, I went to Telstra to fix my phone, and the staff assumed I didn’t understand technology. They didn’t even check the device properly. Another time, my mum kept receiving letters addressed to my dad after he passed. The operator didn’t care. It’s dehumanising.
Ageism is real—and getting worse. Everyone, whether it’s a medical professional, counsellor, or customer service rep, should treat older people with respect. Meet us on equal footing. When someone walks through your door, greet them like they matter.
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